“Is it that cold outside? Oh, well, I guess when you wear your pants THAT low, it might feel a bit chilly.” – Mr. K (My high school Algebra 2 Honors teacher)
Mr. K might have had his moments, but he was also a pervert who liked to hit on female student athletes during class downtime and had apparently never heard of anti-perspirant, evidenced by the large circles of sweat accumulated in the armpit creases of his TJ Maxx sourced dress shirts.
In case you’re wondering, high school was a rough time for me.
Perhaps if I had known about Ferrari’s Corse Clienti program back then, I wouldn’t have spent so much time living vicariously through my video game characters. Or slept through all my honors classes. Or tried to ask out popular blondes who were out of my league (turns out they didn’t care how good I was at Counter-Strike).
In the name of Enzo Ferrari, I would have ravaged my 1000-page Honors Biology textbook, and upon aceing the exam, gloated in front of those poor, poor souls woefully lamenting – and sometimes even shedding actual tears over – their B+ grades, stomped on their desks and screamed like Ken Jeong: “HAHA SUCKERS. CORSE CLIENTI.”
Before I get too carried away by the mental image of Ken Jeong air humping with his hands behind his head in the face of all the class suck-ups, I’ll give a brief intro to what the Ferrari Corse Clienti program actually is and in turn why it’s good to be filthy, Jordan Belfort, Floyd “Money” Mayweather rich.
The FXX (based on the Enzo) and the 599XX (based on it’s street-going namesake the 599 GTB) form the backbone of the Corse Clienti program. Both cars are for track-use only and cost roughly $3 million and $1.5 million respectively.
Plopping down the requisite six-figure sums will get you the car, a few track days a year, your own personal pit crew and the honor of having your telemetry studied by the boys back in Maranello, who use the data in the research and development of the company’s future vehicles.
Both the FXX and 599XX were offered an upgrade package during their mid-lives called ‘Evoluzione’ or ‘Evo.’ As per usual, more power, less weight and more aerodynamic performance were on offer for about $300k. I believe every owner opted to upgrade to ‘Evo’ specification (and why wouldn’t you with enough money to play Premier Cru Bordeaux pong with white truffles).
And if thrashing either of these two street-forbidden, 700+hp Prancing Horses just isn’t enough to wet your racing whistle, you can also opt to purchase retired Ferrari F1 cars, supposedly dating back as far as 1970. So for the price of a private jet, you really can be Schumi, Rubens or Lauda.
Off the record, knowing about Corse Clienti in my teens wouldn’t have motivated me anyway.
Oblivious or not to the existence of one of the world’s most exclusive clubs, I should have prepared for an illustrious future. I should have been more like the guy who never did his hair, wore the same sweater every day and went on to sell an app to a major social media company making him a multi-millionaire in his early twenties.
At least then, I could just buy all the cars I wanted to drive instead of trying to trick press officers into thinking that there are actually people out there who respect what I write. But that’s just between me and you, ok?