Earlier today I took out a friend’s “so-new-the-Mexican-lot-porter-is-still detailing-it” 2014 BMW M235i.
Dipping out of my upper-middle class suburban neighborhood with a fresh Beemer – dealer plates and all – life was good. The 6-cylinders of turbo Bratwurst underneath the hood instilled a sort of douchebag superiority within, enabling me to give attractive women who I’d normally be afraid to be caught looking at the “old-Vietnamese-man-at-the-club-dancing-by-himself-in-front-of-the-speaker” creeper gaze (I promise I won’t use anymore hyphenated run on adjective bombs for the rest of the post. Pinky promise. Stamp!).
Me: ‘Hey, I saw you from over there, you look really cute and I’d love to meet you.’ [I extend arm for a handshake]
Stuck-up-Bitch: [while accepting handshake, with look of false superiority probably gained by hanging out with fat, ugly friends everyday] ‘But we’re meeting right now…’
Me: [smiles while trying to compute what just happened, ejects, goes to bar and orders $14 Patron shots until memory of previous encounter is obliterated from brain]
What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah, sorry. Thinking about the Vietnamese dude at the club reminded me of some of my more unspectacular encounters with the opposite sex. ANYWAY.
I only had about 10 minutes with the new 1-series replacement, so no time for a proper road test (in automotive journalism speak, road test means ‘beat the shit out of a car in a way I never would to one I make payments on.‘ (Okay sorry I did it again, I guess it’s just part of my writing style). But what I did learn in those 10 minutes is that like most other modern BMW’s, I hated it.
My brief loop around the neighborhood confirmed the M235i has plenty of grip, an addictive power delivery and an interior so nice you’d think twice about banging your date inside it. I know what you’re thinking…..’This dude is a nerd he’d never get a girl to let him bang her in the back seat.’ Oh wait, that’s not what you were thinking? You were thinking: ‘That all sounds pretty positive, Car Crazy Dan, why didn’t you like it?’ My bad.
I didn’t like the 2-series because it’s just too perfect. It made me think of the 2/10 Would Not Bang meme. I’m not saying I like cars that are utter trash but flaws are endearing. They provide character.
In recent years I’ve had a bit of a love affair with two of The Motor City’s finest: The Chevrolet Corvette and the Ford Shelby GT500 – and now I think I finally understand why I’m attracted to them.
Whenever I tell people I drive an American car, they get this weird look on their face like I just told them I cheated on my taxes and that I support ObamaCare. Many are surprised it actually runs. Yes, it runs, it’s not a time machine built by a bunch of stoned frat boys – it’s a car.
I love them because they’re NOT perfect. They don’t have a straight-six so silky smooth it could be used as a vibrator, and then discontinued because it did nothing. Or chassis dynamics so well-sorted that every reputable consumer automotive magazine would be foolish not to name it in their Top 10 list year after year.
So next time you catch yourself looking at your girlfriend thinking, ‘Damn, I need to trade-in for the newer model,’ just remember you don’t want the Ultimate Driving Machine, you want the Mediocre, Run-of-the-Mill Driving Machine, because it reminds you that all of humanity is inherently flawed, and that even high grade tequila will give you a sick hangover.